When a love affair ends against your wishes it leaves many painful feelings. Research into common feelings following loss show that there is a fairly predictable pattern to these emotions. Of course, we are all different and the sequence of feelings may be different for you and indeed you may revisit some of them more than once. But just knowing that they common responses can be a comfort. You're not alone or going crazy.
Initially, the first reaction is often shock, an inability to take in what is being said. This shock leads to disbelief that the relationship is at an end. We simply cannot take in the enormity of what is happening.
Gradually as we begin to believe the situation anger sets in and we rage against what is happening to us. This stage often last quite a lot time and can be mixed with the next stage - guilt. At this stage we think 'If only I'd done that/if only I hadn't done this.. they'd still love me'. And because none of us is perfect there is always something we can choose to feel guilty about.
Then we begin bargaining, perhaps offering to behave differently if the loved one comes back to us, or offering something to God if the situation is reversed. But if this fails we can sink into low moods, a depression which can last some time before we gradually come out of it and accept that our life is now changed and start to look forward.
Sometimes, sadly, people get stuck at one of these stages. I remember someone telling me about her divorce. She was still very much at the angry stage and I assumed her break-up had been recent. But I couldn't have been more wrong. It had been nine years before and she was absolutely unable to move forward from the angry stage. She desperately needed help to get over the hurt and start afresh. Getting through these stages would normally not take more than two years and sometimes much less depending on the length of the relationship and other factors.
But there are steps you can take to reduce the strength and duration of that loss period. Here are some really effective ones. The idea of all of them is to reduce the incidence of triggered sad feelings from being reminded of the lost love.
Remove photos of the lost lover We are all 'anchored' to react to triggers in many different way. This simply means that a link has been laid in our brain so that when we see a stimulus we recognise, an automatic reaction occurs in the brain leading (in this case) to sad feelings. Photos are a powerful anchor. So remove any photos of your lost love. Put them in the loft, give them to a friend to look after, whatever. You don't need the reminders.
If the person is the mother or father of your children, don't hide them away, but place the in the children's bedroom so they can enjoy them. If doing this leaves too many gaps in the rest of the house, use photos that have the least possible emotional response.
Alter things in your home
Assuming that your lost love lived with you or visited regularly, there will be many anchors within your home. So make changes. If they had a preferred chair, move it, or dump it or place a different coloured throw over it so the stimulus-response reaction is broken. Move other things around. Bring in some new stuff. If you can't afford to change big things, use new cushions, move ornaments around (or put them away). In short, make your home look different. This is a great way of establishing the new you.
Find new activities
Another way to establish the new you is to take up new activities, if possible outside the home. Your mind will be occupied learning new things, you'll meet new people who never knew you as part of a couple and build your self esteem.
Don't talk endlessly about your lost love
Whilst you may choose to see a counsellor, don't keep talking over and over again about the lost love to others. This reinforces the negative brain patterns and unhappy feelings. Force yourself to talk about other things, listen to friends and join in conversations. You'll feel better for it.
Use your imagination to help you feel better It's likely that you'll be remembering all the old times with your lost love and you'll probably be doing this by visualising events from the past. Doing this reinforces that stimulus-response reaction and there is a very effective way to break this link.
As a general rule, visualising things in colour, close and big makes them have more emotional impact. Visualising things in black and white, far away and small makes them have less emotional impact.
So, for those pictures in your mind where you'd rather feel less pain, turn them to black and white, make them smaller and send them further away. Do this as often as you need until they no longer have any emotional pull on you. I like to add a silly sound track to the unwanted pictures. For example, as you change them to be black and white and smaller sing the can-can song or circus music to yourself. You'll be amazed how quickly you can break the link.
Visualise your new, happy future
If you picture your future gloomily, change the picture to a happy one. Make it big, bright and colourful and add some cheerful musical soundtrack. Keep picturing yourself doing well and feeling great. Our behaviour naturally follows the pictures we have in our brain, so make sure yours are positive.
By taking these simple steps you can feel much more in control of your emotions and that will lead you to reaching a positive mind set about your future more quickly than you could have believed.
Initially, the first reaction is often shock, an inability to take in what is being said. This shock leads to disbelief that the relationship is at an end. We simply cannot take in the enormity of what is happening.
Gradually as we begin to believe the situation anger sets in and we rage against what is happening to us. This stage often last quite a lot time and can be mixed with the next stage - guilt. At this stage we think 'If only I'd done that/if only I hadn't done this.. they'd still love me'. And because none of us is perfect there is always something we can choose to feel guilty about.
Then we begin bargaining, perhaps offering to behave differently if the loved one comes back to us, or offering something to God if the situation is reversed. But if this fails we can sink into low moods, a depression which can last some time before we gradually come out of it and accept that our life is now changed and start to look forward.
Sometimes, sadly, people get stuck at one of these stages. I remember someone telling me about her divorce. She was still very much at the angry stage and I assumed her break-up had been recent. But I couldn't have been more wrong. It had been nine years before and she was absolutely unable to move forward from the angry stage. She desperately needed help to get over the hurt and start afresh. Getting through these stages would normally not take more than two years and sometimes much less depending on the length of the relationship and other factors.
But there are steps you can take to reduce the strength and duration of that loss period. Here are some really effective ones. The idea of all of them is to reduce the incidence of triggered sad feelings from being reminded of the lost love.
Remove photos of the lost lover We are all 'anchored' to react to triggers in many different way. This simply means that a link has been laid in our brain so that when we see a stimulus we recognise, an automatic reaction occurs in the brain leading (in this case) to sad feelings. Photos are a powerful anchor. So remove any photos of your lost love. Put them in the loft, give them to a friend to look after, whatever. You don't need the reminders.
If the person is the mother or father of your children, don't hide them away, but place the in the children's bedroom so they can enjoy them. If doing this leaves too many gaps in the rest of the house, use photos that have the least possible emotional response.
Alter things in your home
Assuming that your lost love lived with you or visited regularly, there will be many anchors within your home. So make changes. If they had a preferred chair, move it, or dump it or place a different coloured throw over it so the stimulus-response reaction is broken. Move other things around. Bring in some new stuff. If you can't afford to change big things, use new cushions, move ornaments around (or put them away). In short, make your home look different. This is a great way of establishing the new you.
Find new activities
Another way to establish the new you is to take up new activities, if possible outside the home. Your mind will be occupied learning new things, you'll meet new people who never knew you as part of a couple and build your self esteem.
Don't talk endlessly about your lost love
Whilst you may choose to see a counsellor, don't keep talking over and over again about the lost love to others. This reinforces the negative brain patterns and unhappy feelings. Force yourself to talk about other things, listen to friends and join in conversations. You'll feel better for it.
Use your imagination to help you feel better It's likely that you'll be remembering all the old times with your lost love and you'll probably be doing this by visualising events from the past. Doing this reinforces that stimulus-response reaction and there is a very effective way to break this link.
As a general rule, visualising things in colour, close and big makes them have more emotional impact. Visualising things in black and white, far away and small makes them have less emotional impact.
So, for those pictures in your mind where you'd rather feel less pain, turn them to black and white, make them smaller and send them further away. Do this as often as you need until they no longer have any emotional pull on you. I like to add a silly sound track to the unwanted pictures. For example, as you change them to be black and white and smaller sing the can-can song or circus music to yourself. You'll be amazed how quickly you can break the link.
Visualise your new, happy future
If you picture your future gloomily, change the picture to a happy one. Make it big, bright and colourful and add some cheerful musical soundtrack. Keep picturing yourself doing well and feeling great. Our behaviour naturally follows the pictures we have in our brain, so make sure yours are positive.
By taking these simple steps you can feel much more in control of your emotions and that will lead you to reaching a positive mind set about your future more quickly than you could have believed.