Relationships are often hard work and we can lose sight of what is good and positive about the person we are with. (Having been through two divorces, I have plenty of personal experience!) When we constantly focus our attention on the negatives, we notice them more. It's a downward spiral. Looking for and focussing on the positives will, in the same way, bring more positive things to our awareness. An upward spiral! It is worth remembering that people are almost always doing the best they can do in the present situation, given their knowledge, awareness, resources and understanding at the time. They are not (usually) trying to ruin your day! Have a look at these Ten Top Tips for Putting the Love Back into your Relationship. Practise one or two of them a day for a week, and notice what changes in the relationship between you and your partner.
The Ten Top Tips:
1) When you're having an argument, ask yourself, "What's really going on here?" Is this about 'the here and now' or are you being reminded about something from your past - rows at home when you were a child, for instance? (If you lost a parent - either from divorce or through bereavement - Is there a fear that you are going to somehow 'lose' your spouse/partner too?)
2) Resist the temptation to drag up all your unresolved hurts of the last ten years! Resolve this present issue now - and avoid bottling things up for the future.
3) When you are unhappy about something your partner has done, talk about your feelings, rather than attacking your partner. Use phrases like: "When you do X, I feel Y" E.g. "When you come home late and don't phone, I worry about you."
(While it is valid to communicate feelings, it is important to own them. Your partner is not making you worry - you are choosing to do that).
4) Avoid mind reading and playing the "ttwittt" game "They're Thinking What I Think They're Thinking!" a phrase coined by fellow Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner Kathryn Deyne. No-one can read minds - although we can make some lucky guesses. Playing the 'ttwitt' game is pointless, a waste of time, and downright harmful to relationships!
5) Remember what brought you together! Think about those things, and the happy times you share, rather than focussing on how bad things are. If you're constantly thinking about how bad things are - behold! - things will be bad!
6) Avoid generalising and exaggerating e.g."You never ring me when you're going to be late!" Is it really never - or is it only sometimes? Thank your partner when he or she does ring and remind him or her how you relieved you feel when you know what's happening.
7) We all express and feel love in different ways: Look at each other's 'love languages' (Gary Chapman's The 5 love Languages) Are you speaking the same one? Do you feel loved most when your partner:
9) Acknowledge that sometimes neither of you is right or wrong; it's just that you have different ways of viewing the world. Your differences are just as valid as your similarities.
10) Appreciate the good things. Research has shown that couples who are caring and kind to each other live longer than those who are hostile towards each other - so enjoy each other! Act in a loving way, rather than a fearful, critical, nagging way and you'll find your behaviour and your relationship changing.
The Ten Top Tips:
1) When you're having an argument, ask yourself, "What's really going on here?" Is this about 'the here and now' or are you being reminded about something from your past - rows at home when you were a child, for instance? (If you lost a parent - either from divorce or through bereavement - Is there a fear that you are going to somehow 'lose' your spouse/partner too?)
2) Resist the temptation to drag up all your unresolved hurts of the last ten years! Resolve this present issue now - and avoid bottling things up for the future.
3) When you are unhappy about something your partner has done, talk about your feelings, rather than attacking your partner. Use phrases like: "When you do X, I feel Y" E.g. "When you come home late and don't phone, I worry about you."
(While it is valid to communicate feelings, it is important to own them. Your partner is not making you worry - you are choosing to do that).
4) Avoid mind reading and playing the "ttwittt" game "They're Thinking What I Think They're Thinking!" a phrase coined by fellow Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner Kathryn Deyne. No-one can read minds - although we can make some lucky guesses. Playing the 'ttwitt' game is pointless, a waste of time, and downright harmful to relationships!
5) Remember what brought you together! Think about those things, and the happy times you share, rather than focussing on how bad things are. If you're constantly thinking about how bad things are - behold! - things will be bad!
6) Avoid generalising and exaggerating e.g."You never ring me when you're going to be late!" Is it really never - or is it only sometimes? Thank your partner when he or she does ring and remind him or her how you relieved you feel when you know what's happening.
7) We all express and feel love in different ways: Look at each other's 'love languages' (Gary Chapman's The 5 love Languages) Are you speaking the same one? Do you feel loved most when your partner:
- Brings you gifts and does things for you?
- Says nice things, compliments you, and tells you s/he loves you?
- Touches you, and is physically affectionate, (not just in a sexual way)?
- Looks at you with that special look that melts your heart, and makes an effort to 'look good' for you?
- Spends time with you doing things you both enjoy?
9) Acknowledge that sometimes neither of you is right or wrong; it's just that you have different ways of viewing the world. Your differences are just as valid as your similarities.
10) Appreciate the good things. Research has shown that couples who are caring and kind to each other live longer than those who are hostile towards each other - so enjoy each other! Act in a loving way, rather than a fearful, critical, nagging way and you'll find your behaviour and your relationship changing.